-
The Warrior with Blood on His Hands
Most of us know that there are stories of war in the Bible, but what does it say about the warriors? In this Sunday Special, we take a look at a specific warrior in God’s story and the impact of war on his life. We will address the tough topic of “What does it mean to have blood on your hands?” What does that say about you? Your marriage? When you are asked to be the good in the world, face evil, but to do so requires the willingness to take a life? Scripture actually addresses this and I’m excited to share with you what I’ve found.
-
Lifegiver Story
Tiffany Smiley
In this amazing story, Tiffany Smiley shares her journey of excitement as a new military spouse and then tragically becoming a caregiver of her husband who was blinded during his first deployment. Over the course of more than 10 years, Tiffany gave everything she had to her husband and family only to burnout and ask whether God loved her or had a purpose for her. In her vulnerable story, she shares how she came back from a very dark place, renewed her mind, and discovered her purpose in bringing hope to others asking the same questions. Tiffany announces her upcoming conference in Washington state where she can help you write your story, be inspired, and discover a sense of purpose yourself. For more on Tiffany’s Story of Faith Conference, visit her website http://tiffanysmiley.com
[podbean type=audio-rectangle resource=”episode=vcwds-97de6b” skin=”1″ auto=”0″ height=100 ]Lindsay Swoboda: Coming Back from the Silence
June 30, 2018If you are looking for an inspirational story, this is it. Watch or listen to my interview with Lindsay Swoboda, a military spouse and new blogger. In this interview, she takes us into a difficult season of her marriage where she found herself feeling incredibly disconnected from her husband and decided to make an inspiring change. She took the Sacred Spaces Challenge and committed to pursuing her spouse in a new way for 365 days! She is currently the owner of the Uplifting Anchor blog where she encourages other military spouses in their everyday experiences. Find a link to her blog in the links above!
[podbean type=audio-rectangle resource=”episode=ptjfx-97de60″ skin=”1″ auto=”0″ height=100 ]
-
The Moral Injury Series
The topic of moral injury continues to be discussed within the military and veteran space, but many still are unclear what it is and how it impacts a person and their family. Moral injury is often described as the internal struggle a person goes through after being asked to do something that goes against his or her morals or values. For many of our service members, this is a real issues that deeply impacts their ability to recover. In this FANTASTIC interview, listen as I speak with Chaplain Timothy Mallard, a subject matter expert not only in moral injury, but soul injury. Soul injury, he describes, is an even deeper and sometimes more complicated injury to the soul- often not due to anything the person did- but more so done to them. Sit back with a cup of coffee and listen. You wont want to miss a word of this two-part conversation.
Part 1:What is Moral Injury?
Part 2: The Role of the Family
Part 3: The Role of Community & God
-
Is This the Secret to Military Love that Lasts? (Military.com)
Wartime has been the guest in my home (and likely yours) that has long overstayed its welcome. Yet, as a military couple, we chose a lifestyle of service to our country that includes adding a seat at the table and sometimes a guest room for this “visitor.” Plans are made around whether or not deployment is the in the future and uncertainty of world events impacts the training calendar.If you are like me, you have gotten so accustomed to the “guest” that is war that it has become more like a member of the family – adopted, even. Personally, once I accepted this addition to the family, my ability to support my husband got much easier. Like some second cousin twice removed, it seems to come and go and sometimes stay for way too long Many of us welcomed the military lifestyle with open arms. We were full of blissful visions of yellow ribbons and flags on our porch.
We did not anticipate wartime setting up camp at the foot of the bed.
For some of us some, war still sneaks into the bedroom and whispers memories into your service member’s ear or fear into the heart of a spouse. Few talk about it, though. Looking down the block, they see everyone else’s flag flying and assume their adoption of war was smooth and flawless. They don’t see the truth behind the flag: war is always messy.
I love the name of this new feature, Love War. Figuring out how to love in the midst of war takes a level of intentionality that rivals that extended family member who takes over the whole house. We tend to present our best selves when guests first arrive. We utilize a level of self-control that we didn’t even realize we had.
Unwelcomed guests like war get old really fast.
I believe a revolutionary idea: that it is completely possible to not only love, but to love better in the midst of war. Finding the courage and desire to intentionally be our best selves even when life gets more challenging is not easy.
Yet therein lies the secret to a better marriage: Great marriages are not void of difficulty. Character, both our own and for our marriage, is developed from digging deep, dealing with our stuff and choosing to be our best even when our spouse, or guest, seemingly “deserves” our worst.
The strong couples that I have talked to look back on their most difficult seasons and appreciate what it did to help them grow up.
I am inviting you to be more intentional in your marriage. Whatever impact wartime has had, or is having, on your marriage today, allow it to build the character in you to become better.
If you are in deployment, allow it to challenge your communication skills. If you are in reintegration, push it out of the bedroom by replacing it with shared memories and moments. If you are transitioning out of service, you may be wondering how to love each other if this guest is suddenly making you feel like empty nesters.
Whether wartime has just moved in or overstayed its welcome, love in the midst of it by intentionally loving better than you did before. Dig deep, pay attention to your own stuff, then be your best.
-
When Your Spouse Doesn’t Want to get Help (As seen in Military Spouse Magazine)
One of the biggest challenges we can face as a military spouse is when our service member comes home different from deployment. Although thousands of service members return every year unscathed, even the most boring deployment causes a couple to struggle finding a new normal.
Many service members experience difficulties with depression, anxiety, or PTSD and immediately seek the help that they need. Military leaders are beginning to testify to mental health counseling and we can only hope that this encourages more service members. I am frequently asked “How do I convince my service member to get help?” My answer of “you can’t” may sound more disheartening, but stay with me. You do have incredible influence.
Anxiety, irritability, and aggression from a struggling service member can make it difficult to feel connected in your marriage. As always, if you ever feel unsafe, please find safety and seek the help of a professional to help you take healthy steps forward. However, if deployment consequences are making it difficult for you to have a connected healthy relationship with your spouse, here are a few ways that you have influence.
- Take care of you. If you are weary from holding down the homefront, it is tempting to feel you are doing most of the work in your marriage. At no point would I suggest that you stop working on your marriage. Marriage is hard work, hardest on the days we want to feel entitled to hit a big pause button. Finding ways to replenish and feel healthy on your own will give you the fuel you need to keep pursuing your spouse’s heart, even when you don’t feel like it. Running constantly on empty will only result in breeding resentment, anger, and leaving you wanting to withdraw. Counseling for you individually can give you support, perspective, and guidance on how to set healthy boundaries. Model what it looks like to take care of yourself, but do it for yourself first.
- Turn the lights on. When one spouse “stops working” on themselves or the relationship, it can be scary for the other spouse who suddenly feels out of control. Many feel they are walking on a minefield around the topic. While some turn to nagging, others withdraw. “Turning on the lights” means that we are honest with our spouse in kindness and love about the tension already in the relationship. Tension is already in the relationship, but how we say it is important. Consider speaking the truth by saying, “Hon, when you refuse to get help, I feel hopeless. I want us to be close again, but it cannot happen if you don’t try.”
- Resist enabling. One does not find value in something unless it costs them something. If you are making appointments for a resistant spouse, you are not helping. Unfortunately, some need to “hit bottom” before they realize the damage they are causing and reach out. Your best role as a spouse is to “turn on the lights” whenever it seems your spouse’s heart is open to hearing it. Otherwise, be available to support them when they hit bottom and are ready to do the work.
For more on this topic, read Boundaries, by Townsend and Cloud and subscribe to my podcast, Lifegiver Military Spouse Podcast.
-
Sacred Spaces Supplement Series (5 Parts)
Sacred Spaces 1: PTSD
Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage comes out August 1 and will be available where most books are sold (Barnes & Noble, Amazon, etc). In celebration of the launch, I wanted to do a podcast series called the Sacred Spaces Series. During this series, I will be talking about common themes our service members and spouses go through during deployments, separations, as well as reintegrations. There will be interviews with key people from the book that shared sacred spaces with Matt and I as well as those I met during the trip with the secretary of defense. There will also be an interview with Matt where we talk about how Sacred Spaces can make a difference in your marriage. So, what is a Sacred Space? I will talk about that in this episode, but here is an easy definition: Many of us, spouses and service members, experience Sacred Spaces separately during trainings and deployments. After a while, it can feel like we are living independent lives more than a together life. This creates many opportunities for misunderstanding and disconnect. In this episode, I wanted to talk about what you can do if your service member comes home with mild, moderate, or severe changes from deployment. I will also address how you can care for yourself so that you can give your best to your marriage. More than anything, I want your marriage to succeed. Because of that, I am inviting you to join the Sacred Spaces Campaign. The Campaign is simple, I just want you to be intentional in your marriage. Only you know what your relationship needs right now. Only you know what the next step is. The Sacred Spaces Campaign invites you to take three steps: 1. Order and read the book Sacred Spaces. It is my story of how being intentional made a difference in my marriage 2. Join the Sacred Spaces Campaign by committing to be intentional. You will get a FREE Sacred Spaces Intentional Marriage Challenge Commitment Card that will help you identify your intentional commitment, nail down the length of time you want to try it out, as well as encourage accountability to follow through. 3. Share your story. Our stories are powerful, and so will yours be. If your service member came home different… if your marriage is different… you are not alone.
Sacred Spaces 2: A Roundtable with 3-61
Sacred Spaces 3: Amanda Marr
We are in the middle of our Sacred Spaces Series on the Lifegiver Podcast and today’s interview is a special one. Those of you who have read Sacred Spaces will remember Amanda Marr as the Gold Star Widow I have the honor of serving back in 2009. One of my most Sacred Spaces from that deployment, Amanda joins me on the podcast to have an honest discussion on what it was like to receive notification of her soldier’s death, how she took care of herself, and her process to where she is now. This is an inspiring podcast for any listener. Amanda shares her honest thoughts on what makes a Care Team successful as well as tips she has learned about marriage now that she is remarried to an Army soldier. You will be empowered, encouraged, and gain new perspective on your own marriage. Amanda Marr (left), Maria Cordova, Corie Weathers, Venessa Adelson (Gold Star Mother) at White House Medal of Honor Ceremony If you have not read Sacred Spaces, order now! Hundreds are already talking about how my story of being intentional in my marriage is inspiring them to do the same. If you have enjoyed Sacred Spaces, I’d love to hear about it! Join the Sacred Spaces Campaign, by committing to be more intentional in your own marriage. It is simple and free and you will receive a FREE Commitment Card to help you walk through your commitment.
Sacred Spaces 4: An Update on Being Intentional
Today’s episode is unpolished and raw- well maybe not emotionally- but definitely unpolished. I want to give updates on how life has been since coming out with the book as well as how living intentionally has changed me as a person and my relationship. I will talk through how you can join the campaign and create lasting changing in your own marriage as well as exciting updates on interviews coming soon!
Part 5: New Vision and Questions Answered
It’s another episode of Lifegiver and I am here to announce some really fun changes and new updates. Some of you said you would love to have access to webinars and various forms of media, so today I am pleased to offer two versions of the podcast. Today is all about the new vision of Lifegiver and it shouldn’t be a surprise to most of you.
